A Toast to the Anatomy of a Bass Fisherman

ANATOMY OF A BASS FISHERMAN


A TOAST

I would like to offer a toast to the inexplicable beauty and finesse of the computerized mind and body of the unique human species widely known as a Bass Fisherman - otherwise known as “Homo Sapiens Bassicus”.

First, to the “Cranium Hardicus” :
With two bionic locators adjustable to maximum variations in light conditions, they are so keen that they spot a ripple on the water at 200 yards, a submerged stump at a depth of 20 feet, a well-built woman at a mile and a half, and the measure of a partners fish to a degree of 1/32 of an inch. There are two flag-like protrusions on each side which can detect a flashing school of shad at 150 yards, the subtle rattle of a spinner bait blade in 20 feet of water, a girl’s giggle a half a block away, but which automatically cancel out the sound of a wife’s voice pleading “Stay home! I have some work for you to do here today!” just 12 inches from her face.

Perched between and below the bionic locators is a round proboscis-sensus which can discern the slightest trace of oil on the hands, sweet anise or bass-X’citor in his partner’s tackle box, revels in the odor of a new jar of pork chunks or even a bloated fish left overnight in the live-well, but which abhors the slightest whiff of a baby’s dirty diaper.
Centrally and below is a cavitation which spouts forth earsplitting sounds of jubilation over a fish on the hook, a cloud-bursting profanity over a partners loud feet, a strike not caught, a silent, dead motor, a cold front, a wife’s gentle plea, or a tournament official’s statement of - - “It won’t measure !”.
Then, shrouded over the top of the hardicus is a brush of strandy material emanating various shades and streaks, but always flopping astray at the end of the day for those not fortunate enough to have brought a hairdryer and set-spray.

Second, extending down from the hardicus, to the “Stubbly Neckus”, which transmits all manner of gushy, smelly, moldy, sticky and sour sediments to the lower parts, but is swiftly washed clean and downward with a case of urine-colored liquid, appearing exactly the same, but with more foam. It is covered with needles of various lengths and colors, and greatly reviled by the fairer sex.

Third, to the “Upper Extremicii”:
These are tasseled on the ends by appendages containing ten – or nine – or eight tentacles, depending on the chill factor. The “shouldergi” and the “wristai” are noted for their excruciating pain from overworked bursii from five million casts in six hours, and the intensity of which is directly proportional to the number of fish lost or excuses needed. The ten appendages are so versatile they can tie a Palomar knot in the dark, judge whether the flutter of a spinner blade is gyrating at exactly the right speed at one hundred yards, suffer the abuse of gills, fins and sharp teeth, appreciate the subtle softness of a fair maiden, but become horribly aching and crippled when the trash needs to be carried out.

Fourth, to the “Torsus Rotundus Obtrusus”:
Housed in the hairy, or smooth, upper shell is the oxygen absorbing apparatus used to maintain consciousness, which is more often denied by the cranium hardicus. It is often overloaded with cold wind, tobacco smoke, motor exhaust fumes and general hot air.

Extending downward, and invariably outward, is the Paunchikus Stomachus, which must receive all the emissions of the stubbly neckus. Burning and growling in stark disbelief, it can only retaliate by expelling its contents behind a tree covered by poison ivy, onto the deck of the boat, or by a gaseous explosion emitted only when the fishing partner is downwind or in the wife’s sweet-smelling kitchen after the fourth layer of clothing has been removed.

Fifth, to the “Straggly Legsiae”:
These have many of the same aching characteristics of the upper Extremicii. These are protected along the front edge by a firm bony ridge of extreme sensitivity known as the “shinnings”, which are noted for their ability to seek contact with such objects as the edge of the car door, the tongue of the boat trailer, the gunwale, trolling motor, boat seats and motor prop, and are visible in various shades of black, blue, and green.

Attached to the lower-most aspect of these appendages are the “flatus feeticus”. These are all too well known for their exasperating ability to suddenly change temperature from sweating hot, to numbing cold, from sloshing roominess to cramped agony, but are always celebrated for their wonderful odiferous scent, so remarkable that even Orkin and Serfco refuse to offer bids for decontamination.

Sixth, to the overly simplified “Computerensis” housed in the cranium hardicus :
Being the very nerve-center of the whole, it is known for its astounding ability to recall where the last big bass was caught in 1984, along with the lure used, the depth and temperature of the water, and the weather pattern at the time. It also knows the height of a drop-off noted six months before when the water was down, the weather report three months to the day before, the speed of the boat when it hit the stump last month, the pound and ounces of his closest competitor, the name of a long-lost redhead, and the exact description and the children’s names of the last %&#$@+* who told him they were “hitting nothing but frozen catalpa worms”.

However, this vast storehouse of memory and information integration shorts out and rejects all memory of where the best lure was lost, where the rod fell over the boat, the last name of his tournament partner, his wife’s birthday and their anniversary, his rear boat tie-downs, life jacket and rain suit, the time he is to be home and the fact that he is the host of his own dinner party. And last, but not least, his boat plug.

Seventh, to the “Produs Gigantimus”:
A minor extension, it is a small appendage dangling between the straggly legsiae, and is known primarily for it’s usefulness to expel large quantities of the aforementioned foamy liquid. Acclaimed as the instrument of love, the foundation of life, the best in the land, the best in the hand, and the supreme example of manhood for all other men, to the member of the race of homo sapiens Bassicus, it is the element which hurts the most with a bladder full of foamy liquid, which gets the shoes wet and the gunwale clean, which never arcs enough in a head-on wind, which never works when someone’s watching, and which shrinks into oblivion and can never be reached with cold hands in twenty degree weather.

Eighth, and most vital of all, to the “Universal Pumperatorae”:
Housed in the flat, hairy upper shell, it has been noted for its small, devilish, demeaning and cutthroat nature in the business world and in masses of other groups of Homo sapiens, especially the Bassicus variety. It has a tendency to try to outrace itself with even the slightest tap on a fishing line and is often overcome by massive quantities of distilled spirits and the foamy liquid.

However, it displays its best and most indispensable qualities when its increased rate of productivity is responding to the signal of the computerensis about a fishing trip, abundant respect for its finny adversary, other fishermen, or its reverence for God’s green earth, painted skies, and blue waters.

But sadly, it is abundantly marred only by the irresistible demand on the Homo Sapiens Bassicus to loudly expound: “Honest, I really did catch ‘em all on frozen hummin’ bird hearts! But because I’m a good sport, I let all the big ones go back into the lake!”.

And, we should all always remember: “The Good Lord never takes away from a man those days he spends fishin’!”

(Insert toast here of foamy libation!!)

May God bless….Abundantly!

Doc “The Nine Inch Worm” Cohagan